Am I scared .....

 Its 1:30 AM and I have somehow managed to calm it down but it really is not the way.

Am I scared? Scared to be in a new relationship. To be with someone again. To love someone the way I did in the past by literally dancing each day as it going to be no tomorrow.  

I really don't know if I am scared. But am I worried! Maybe I am. I am a little worried that my own self will jeopardize this new seed I have sown even before it has become into a small little plant. Growing it into a giant tree who will give me lifelong of riped fruit will be nothing but just a distant dream. I am worried about that. 

I lost myself earlier because I loved someone more than myself and today when I learned to love myself back, I just completely forgot the balance in a relationship which needs to be maintained. I know her likes, I know her dislikes but still, somehow I say it and realise in that swift second back that I have made a mistake but the point is, what you have said, it cannot be taken back.  I remember I was never like this and even in my work, I am still not like this but what has started happening to me is something I just cannot figure out. 

I guess, the fear to not make old mistakes of losing myself is leading me to commit all the new ones and ruining my chances to be with this new girl by the hour. God knows, how honest I am and have been with her but this just might cripple it and eventually, kill it. It will be as suicide but unless she has the patience and I work on myself to keep her the priority as she has done with me, it just might happen. 

I will have nobody but myself to blame but how fast can I make my self better. Will she wait long enough? 

Its been 5 months, she has been dealing with my crap and has been a big influence in getting my sanity back but am I doing justice with her ??. Why will and how long a girl will wait for a man to be normal. I try each day to do it and to fall head over heels for her but I just somehow stop myself from doing it. It's a self-defence mechanism maybe which makes me do these little things to annoy her and make us fight. Until I am like 100% sure that she is the one now and I it's all done and dusted in an official way, maybe that is what is holding me back. I am worried to not get hurt again. Not Love again and fall down in the vale of shadows. 

I remember her things but I still sometimes mess up : 

LIKES: CHILLY CHICKEN, PIZZA 

DRINKS: VODKA 

HATES: BANANA , WHISKEY 

GREAT CHEF, SUPER HARD WORKER and has WEDNESDAY as the worst day of the week IN HER OFFICE. 

Apart from this, I remember a whole lot more but I just skip it sometimes and the love for football has also come into shooting range. I have skipped the entire prioritizing factor and this actually will hit any girl hard unless she loves football as well. Not just game, other times as well it just skips my mind. Am I careless - USUALLY. Do I do it forever - NO. How did it start - I REALLY FUCKING DONT KNOW. 

I hope she understands and sees the good person in me who can love her like crazy and care about her little things in time. I hope she stays, I hope she gets it .  The logic is less but its some special shit in brain to which I cannot explain.  I am really not. a bad guy but yes, I do get carried away when I am having fun these days and balancing the act to someone on phone, just finding it a little difficult. I do realise it and even send whatever I can but sometimes, the timing ruins it. 

But on the flip side, remembering the person you desire in the middle of your football game and when you are out, is also because she is in your thought. Calling and texting back consistently also counts in my dictionary. I guess, maybe I am just too difficult one to be loved the way I do it with little coming back. 

Will my habit to forget things which are really a problem to sensitive people ever get fine . I do not know. Sometimes, I remember things from centuries-old and sometimes I forget things from yesterday. Is it me or is it with every man? For that .....

YES, I am scared.  Maybe I still need time to recover.  Maybe I just don't seem serious enough to many.