How people make mess in a Relationship

 

Most people I have known , met and even with being ones actually thought they are perfect for being in a relationship or absolutely fit for a long term commitment like marriage . There have been times in my life where I thought I was a great guy or what an amazing partner I will be for someone . The times when you actually feel that your needs are met by someone and understanding the needs of your partner is the time when you should actually feel you are ready. I took a call for LTR only then but my partner in the end turned out to be something else and it became a wrong a call and I almost made another recently but now I can spot red flags. ThankYou Exes ! 

I was a believer that I have to keep giving my everything . My absolute love to the partner and keep giving giving giving and be the martyr . They can ignore , scream,shout do whatever but one day they will realise and meet me halfway . This is one of the biggest mistakes I made in my early part of lives and even to some extent in my LTR . Many people have been even in worse situations than me and have wasted many years of lives and have suffered tremendous suffering . 

A healthy relationship in my eyes is knowing what my core needs are . For example : If one of your core need is "RESPECT" then you can tell your partner that but tomorrow if he/she goes on to do something which you feel is disrespectful might actually not be disrespectful to the partner because they never did that intentionally . So when you described RESPECT you never described the STANDARD or the THE FRAMEWORK of that .  This is where the confusion starts to come in your head . You start to think and tell yourself that this person is not actually whom I thought he/she is rather than making them sit down and have an absolute clear ,transparent, loving and reasonable cooperative communication with your partner and yourself . This conversation would be about you asking and discussing that this standard of demands are reasonable or are these some insecurities in my own head . Which one is talking in my head and most of the times ,You dont know yourself.

The entire concept here is to understand that chemical imbalance if you want to call that or those voices in your head at that very moment which takes over you in regards to the questions you yourself are not sure about . Was I really being Insecure or was I really this easy to be convinced over by what I feel in general . It was not me who was wrong but it was them who were nuts .  This entire confusion is something which people take over to utmost extremes and without even knowing break the relationships . All this required was a proper healthy talk addressing these situations which one or at times both never do. Usually it's the one who goes through this who avoids and tries to find an exit . What you need to do is firstly ask yourself as where is this all coming from and wouldn't this be a more love showing way to my partner if we address these over a cup of nice hot coffee. 

In my case I tried a lot but such heart to heart conversation never actually happened and I  still to this day think "what if" . You obviously want to be the most respectful,loving , compassionate and support to your partner person but at the same time you need to understand and know that these are my personal flaws which can ruin this and I need to be pretty verbal about them and address these going forward. I need to be understanding to the needs of my partner and if we both know exactly what they are we can lay a foundation of an extraordinary building. But all this talk needs to happen in an absolute loving and compassionate environment where my partner wants to be my teammate. Screaming , gaslighting , vengeance and ego will not have this environment . This needs patience and constant growing up as a person and as a partner with absolute thought of staying with him/her forever rather than telling yourself this relationship is not compatible . The question what you never asked yourself is ," what did I do to make this work?" . Pride is something when touched we feel threatened , vulnerable ,become defensive , competitive and think as how do I get a point over my partner. Once you get into that loop you will always be a little aggressive and looking for faults whereas all you have to do with one another is be absolute open and go the whole nine yards. 

The only time you should think of breaking a relationship is that when your partner has no empathy , they never come and ask you what is wrong and what can be done , they never see your side of things and it is always you looking theirs then we have a problem . If a person who is just not ready to talk and has decided to not give it a chance , you cannot do anything really. With such a narcissist individual you cannot reason and need to accept the suffering about to enter your life.  Basically , you do not have a teammate . I am trying to learn each day but you on the other side think I am an idiot , stupid and can never be good enough for you . This is when you walk-away and that is exactly what I did in my case. 

What I learned from my relationships is that this is a constant education . You and your partner educate each other every day as what exactly is love for you . And if you are showing the same and partner does that as well in a loving , caring manner then that's the fit . Your showing him/her love might be different from theirs . But that does not mean they don't love you , it's just different style . For Example - I am someone who loves to talk and meet new people. I go to a party and somehow if I start talking I usually become the one all are listening to and many a times I even use this skill to flirt but I know my limits when I am in a relationship .  This trait of mine if the girl who is with me does not like , can make me sit and talk to which I will respect and make sure not to do it again rather than start a fight after the party and name tag me as an a***ole and not loyal . This will end the relationship for me as the girl has put tags and is absolutely insecure . 

What ideally should happen is that the girl telling me in a polite calm manner that "whatever happened in there actually made me a little hurt , I did not like it and I would appreciate if you don't do it at least when I am around. I know you love me and she means nothing to you but I just did not like it ".  This sort of energy when brought in the relationship can change the entire dynamic . This is the level of communication I am looking for in my next relationship. People don't have this standard and all they do is attack attack and react without going through the deep channels end messing it all up.  Another thing people do when angry is go MIA and ask for space and not talk for hours and hours. There is nothing wrong in looking for space but in this space many people try and talk to themselves and find answers which are very hard to do or look for more ways to react but what ideally you should do is talk to someone whom you know will not tell you what you want to hear . They will tell you if you are wrong and if over-reacting . Such people are very hard to find and if you are married and talk to your best friend who has been single all her life , she is not going to help you and we have a very high possibility that she will create even more confusion in your head.

I remember S doing the same with me whom I discovered online and would just disappear claiming that she does not want to talk at this point in time as she might say something which might be hurtful but what she never did was to discuss the topic and clear the misunderstandings going forward. She kept building my image that I am like that and she needs to adjust accordingly whereas I kept telling her as why I did what I did and we should discuss to which her answer was ,"stop it as it's irritating me now". I knew Titanic has spotted an Iceberg and it's only matter of time when we hit it . And we did soon after in coming weeks. Your Instinct in a fight with your partner will kill it . Fighting won't save your relationship but clear of thought will.  Take your space and come back for better talk and clear all fears . 

Based on the level of investment the other is giving you do the investment accordingly and pace it . The relationship becomes messy when one or both stop talking and resolving issues . Your happiness and satisfaction cannot be dependent on your partner , it should multiply . You need to sort yourself out rather than looking for a perfection in others . Adjustment , compromising is great but willingness to accept the flaws and working around them is what makes couples last forever .