You are Boring

 On this New day of the new year . I want to write about something which troubled me a lot in the year 2019 and till the Month of March 2020 . By June I thought I am completely over it to only get hit by again in November . But by now I knew exactly what was going on rather than being absolutely clueless about this subject like I was back in the day . 

This is something which can particularly be very frustrating . Especially when it comes from someone you are close to like your partner but even in a corporate setup it can be very awful feeling to have . So , in my case I was with a narcissistic partner and if you have not been with one , let me tell you it's really a nerve wracking . Narcissistic people are very much into as they call it "Reward sensitive" or a better name is "Dopamine junkies". Healthy person on the other hand have the power to delay gratification whereas they look for instant hit . I don't know if Narcissists can delay the response but in my case she could not. 

I have dealt with two of them recently and due to this instant dopamine hit being a major factor for them , they are the ones who actually get bored pretty quickly. This reward seeking behaviour I believe can to some extent can be related to the responses they give and the variety of things they do. For example - Alcohol highs, Gambling thrill , Sexual acting out , Shopping , spending out ; basically engaging in activities where pleasure is first without much thinking of consequences . They hardly think about consequences because they are so good at getting away with it .

So, this is where my story gets interesting and even better realisation. I have no shame or any happiness in accepting that I have had few girls in my life . From school days to college to office to random fling ; been there done that . But none of those girls and this includes 5 nationalities , nobody said that you are "boring". A guy who is known to never stop talking , Gemini being his zodiac and is actually a Communication Professional has never been told by anyone in his lifetime that he is boring. So , how on earth the girl he loved & married has come up with this tag with only 8-9 months into marriage. What is the possible reason ? . He is still the same man , doing what he did and sometimes doing extra at times. 

Talking to my therapist , I was very much sad and broken as to myself I was still a funny man and a good company. The doc. explained to me that during the initial phase or the love-bombing phase you were "new". You were not new to her in terms of a man but "new" to her in terms of a new -new subject or challenge. You kept it going with all your new thoughts, talks , bla-bla things but just like anyone and everyone you will hit the ceiling when you are not so "new" anymore and become a known entity to her . Being narcissist they will anyway  study you to the core and eventually will get BORED. 

You will see a super change in behaviour once you hit this tag and they will start devaluation and discard of you . This means that the process has begun for them to leave you and your suffering is about to start . You will see them being not interested in talking or even if you take them anywhere they are present physically but emotionally just missing . They will even gaslight if you ask them what is wrong by saying , "nothing . nothing has happened. Just do what you are doing , I am fine". I remember even this new girl whom I met online telling me after 6 months of talking just on phone during Corona times that ,"you are now boring and I have no excitement left when you call ", because such people want novelty . They are so drived by the hit of it that they go on to say and do things without realising one bit as how will the other person feel . They lack empathy and have high inflated ego's anyway which makes it even harder for you to understand as what exactly went wrong and how come all the little or big things you did for them are just wiped out.  Any normal individual will talk out the issues and resolve rather than thinking to themselves that this is monotonous. It will become like that over time in any relationship. So , unless you have someone who actually really understands the concept of commitment rather than believer of some Disney happily ever after with everything being hunkydory is not a healthy partner to have . 

With my partner , I was doing everything fine and we were even making love but even then I always had to do something super interesting, exciting less they get bored . It was like I had to make or share a story about my normal day in a very interesting manner , its like you are performing all the time. Whereas with other girls , discussing your normal day was more than enough. With the girl I met Online or my partner one thing which will remain the same is that they will find someone new and they will get bored because time is time. And as time passes they will get bored and they keep moving from one person to another. It's like being in a room full of toys but you still crave for the toy which you don't have . 

It's not that you are bad or boring person , it's just that you are normal and no matter what you do they will not stay entertained throughout every single day and moment of your relationship . They are bored of everything in general. They are contemptuous of everything unless they have decided to put up things with a value and they live in a world which is never enough . They never go deep with the emotions therefore they always look for next big thing. The people who are normal and healthy will find extraordinary even in the ordinary but a narcissist ; never ! 

The conclusion is , you aint boring . They have become bored of you . It hurts to find out that your time , effort in relationship , commitment to talk for hours , sharing and discussing the very secrets of your life ......meant nothing . But this is who they are and unless you actually go to a professional for help , very high possibility you will never be able to crack it and feel sad , broken and someone with very low confidence. Hopefully , you get through it like I did . Always remember , the one who believes in the relationship never gives up this easily especially if you are married or if you have emotionally invested in it .

The society has brainwashed us in confusing attachment with love . You fall in love instantly . After talking to someone for months , you actually act out of investment you have made in them and take that as love but it's not really love . In my eyes , when I meet a girl or even talk to her its an instant thing . You don't know will you marry that person or not later but even without knowing them completely you see potential . This could be the ONE atleast the thought crosses your mind . And when you think later you know that first talk was different , something new happened and it can become fantastic . That is what you think upon and stay committed .  

The one who believes the other is boring is actually himself/herself is who has not opened the doors of real potential . Think more before you walk-away the next time .....  .