The Day I Almost Died

 

9th Sept. 2019 .

This day holds a memory and something to which I am never proud of . But this very day is the day when I actually spoke to myself for the very first time . The entire concept of killing yourself is not easy . You really need to think a lot as how to do it . Hanging yourself was not my type of dying and being food critic I was never really into self poison. I have seen enough violent movies in my life to figure out dying . 

I remember very clearly , how I kept sitting in my car with her gone upstairs . I was angry but sad, embarrassed, cheated,heart-broken and felt that my entire world just crumbled in front of me . And to that I was mere a spectator. Helpless. The feeling you get when the love of your life is killing you with words and radio silence is deafening . That is the moment I realised that I might be physically strong but it's her with words who is more powerful . 

We reached home and she walked out of the car . Walking in her glory . And me sitting on the driving seat with hands on steering wheel looking at her for one last time going away thought in my head. I had decided in that moment that today is the day. I have failed in love and I am unworthy,not adequate enough, indecisive human who has no place in this world . I wanted her to listen of all or someone but world never looked so empty before . I was hiding my state from my friends, family and even myself . Being an optimistic guy made me try more each day and that actually made me more hurt than anything else. 

"Love is Blind" as they say it . But Love being toxic !! No. That is not what I had in mind. 

So after crying , cursing myself for good 20 mins with her gone upstairs with little or no worry that her husband has not followed up , I was sure. I am not needed and if my dying will make her happy then I am going to do it . I called up Dad who was on his way back from work and asked his well being . He sounded great and told me he had friend's coming over tonight . Then I called up mom . She in a jiffy figured out something is not right . I again had to lie and convince her that my voice is different due to bad nose and throat . 

I was just ashamed it to admit . Ashamed of myself .  I fell in Love with her . 

I married her !

I was so excited about my life with her and even plan a child. She was the one person I chose in my life who made me happy.She made me feel loved, secured , complete.

But now what all does this say about me ? 

That everything I had with her was a figment of my imagination. In Fact more than a figment . It was a lie. Everything was right in from me and I could not see it. I just believed it . All of it . 

I was just a Rebound lover for her. From the very first day to this , she was only trying to un-love her Ex. than Love me. My soul from the inside wanted peace. I was so done . 

After the phone calls , I was set . The plan was simple. I would drive to a location not far from the house which is kind of secluded . Would slit my wrists and play my favorite song in my beloved car and sleep for good. Today , it makes me laugh as what the fuck was I thinking . So as I was about to start my car again my phone rang . Unknown number . I thought let's talk to this stranger what can I lose now . On the other side there was a girl who was asking me to donate money to save 6 year old girl suffering from cancer. I asked her as why she is lying and why this job. She replied , "I have a family to take care and I want to see the world". After few minutes hearing from her I realized the same thing . I love my life . 

I loved it before this toxic woman and her family came in my life. I have my dreams and I want to re-do so many things . It's not me but her who has brought me here . I told myself ,"No, you cannot die . You do not deserve to die . You need to live and fulfil your dreams and desires . You need to make your parents and yourself proud. This is an act of cowardness and you cannot do this ." 

I told myself that I cannot kill myself because so much needs to be done and relived again .

I want to sail across the ocean . On a sailboat surrounded by sea with no land in sight, without even the possibility of sighting land for days to come. To stand at the helm of my own destiny.

I want that one more time.

I want to be in the final of Cricket World Cup again , to feel the surge as thousand cheers make thunder on India win.

I want part of another Olympic Ceremony .

I want another meal in Paris at a michelin star.

I want another bottle of wine and then another.

I want the warmth of a woman in the cool set of sheets who loves me for who I am. The one who wants to be by my side and support me in up's and down's. I want to Love again .

One more Electronic Music Concert. One more Live Musical Play in a theatre in Vienna .

An Oprah in Berlin . Another Caipirinha in Copacabana .

I want to stand on summits and smoke weed and feel the sun on my face for as long as I can.

Walk the streets of Europe again in a snowy winter night and sunny summer day with my new Tom Ford to cover the sun rays with stylish LV loafers .

Walk again the white sand beaches in seychelles and make love to a lady on a full moon night with waves touching our feet. 

Take her and watch northern lights .

Climb and watch sunrise.

Ride the River. Learn to swim and surf.

Stare at the frescos in Milan .

I want to sit in the garden in Switzerland and read one more good book and have Swiss Fondue.

Most of all I want to sleep. I want to sleep like I slept when I was a boy. In the lap of my mother.

Go and Rest In the lap of my lover.

Have a drink with my father .

Give me that. Just one time.


Once I am done with all what I want to do and what I want to do it again , I cannot die. I will not let this bitch affect me now, let alone the last of me . That is how I stopped myself from killing myself . I was re-born after a scam call . That very moment I decided that I need help. I decided to take therapy and help me become normal . That is when I decided to not suffer anymore from her abuse and share it with my family. 

That one phone call saved my life. That one phone call gave me a purpose . 

In the following months to come the life changed. Except finding true love it gave me a chance to do most of the things I mentioned.  From crossing countries in a small Cruise , to Milan , To Switzerland . I got the power to share my sufferings . Got through therapy. Became better and took the fight to her . I gave all I could even then to save my relationship. But you cannot do much if the other is not interested. 

Two Years .Wasted. Two years I spent on what ? . I don't think she even cares of what she has done to me . What has she done to my life ? 

But bigger question is what has it done to hers ? Who could do such a thing ? . 

Finding out that she only married me as an experiment and killing her than myself would make me happy? Would I get some satisfaction out of it ? No I won't.  

Because nothing , no sentence , no punishment, no revenge could ever come close to making up for what she has done.  She . Me . Us was a lie. My life for 2 years was a lie. Every feeling. Every Memory. 

But from this what I learned was that if you manifest and be true to what you want the universe gives you . Since that day I am a new man . I am a new better version of me . Dying is an escape. An escape from fighting . Fighting won't be easy but the win will be worth it .