'I am Sorry , end of conversation". NO IT's NOT !

 

If your girlfriend or your wife keeps saying sorry , there is absolute very high possibility that she is being manipulative and you don't even realize it . Become very careful . 

Let me give you a real life example here . My Ex-wife used to do this so often and me acting like a blue-pill did not help me either.  I caught her plenty of times lying to my face but most of the times I kept mum as I knew she would not answer . Instead the topic will become, since when are you spying on me . 

But this one day in particular she crossed the LOC just a little too much . I caught her red-handed lying to me that she is in the office . Instead, she was out with her friends visiting a monument in another city. She did not like other times took responsibility of her actions instead like always projected it on me. She became more abusive and acted more critical . But the way she said,"Sorry" did ring bells in my head. 

I objected her that this behaviour is not correct and her "sorry" means end to this (that too in a sarcastic tone).                         No. Not at all.

 Remember, when we were growing up how in the school and at home ,parents and teachers would teach us , feed us this. If you have done something wrong , say ,"sorry" and this word has magical powers to sort everything just like that and by itself.  Now, this precedent of the society is wrong in itself but it does not stop there. We further are now morally obligated to accept the apology .  In my eyes, this is absolutely ridiculous . This is right from childhood that these men and women don't get it right and then make people suffer in these toxic relationships . There wives and girlfriends very easily get away with it because they are ,"sorry". 

 Let me be honest here . This entire concept of saying "sorry" and everything will be ok again is the most childish,nonsense and absolute bonkers of a concept teaching children. As adults we need to understand and have a more sophisticated solution to our problems. Saying "sorry" is not enough .  

Example - Now imagine you are at your girlfriends house and get a bad bad call from your office. The dream project you were working on has been given to the person you hate the most . In your anger you pick up a flower vase and throw it in the wall . After doing it , you say ,"Babe, I am sorry. I know it was your favorite". Now your girlfriend should just say ,"it's alright" and end it there ??. 

She has the full right to tell you, "you can keep your apology but I need 200 dollars for the vase and the wall".  Your apology won't replace the vase and for sure not fill the hole in the wall .  What good is your apology if the damage caused remains unfixed. 

If you are really sorry , you will do the actions to atleast try to right the wrong. This is exactly where so many people get caught when it comes to emotional issues and interpersonal ethics of a relationship. Someone saying "sorry" kinds of throws you under this societal pressure of morally obligated to accept it and move on. Even though in reality , nothing has been done to fix the problem. So, what is the correct way to resolve or handle it . 

Let me tell you how a good high-value woman would resolve it . HIGH VALUE WOMEN - A woman who is kind, empathetic, compassionate and loves you from the bottom of her heart.   My case had a covert narcissist so none of my tactics actually worked but do try this in your case next time and let me know if it did work.  But first let's start with a low quality women which unfortunately I had in my life.

In my eyes , if your wife or girlfriend is acting weirdly, being abusive,manipulative and is very quick to apologize when you point out , don't just stop there. Firstly , don't behave like an asshole and give her that. Obviously, It's not the end of an issue but it's a decent enough place to start. 

So when she says,'I am sorry", tell her that I accept your apology . But this incident has really left me shaken and I want to resolve it for good by understanding as why it happened in the first place. I want to be in absolute sync with you as what I felt is not right is the same with you or not . I want to tell you exactly as why this was unacceptable and get into the dynamics of this for not repeating this in the future. 

Once you mention all this , it's now a test for her own character . It's a test of who she really is . Is she a high quality women or a low quality one .  If she reacts in an anger and replies ," what more we need to discuss . I already said, SORRY. Just let it go". 

This clearly shows that she is not sorry and actually entitles herself to your forgiveness. She does not want to put any effort in resolving the issue and making you feel better. This is an absolute insult and lack of compassion and love for you . She has demonstrated that she is a low-quality woman . This is a serious red-flag . Now to answer her back you can say , "I find your answer extremely concerning. If you really cared and felt sorry about the situation , you would do whatever it takes in order to resolve it. " 

Even after this if she still continues arguing and not taking responsibility then I guess it's time to have a rough conversation with her. Because this eventually will lead to your downfall in the future . Nobody deserves to live and be with such a low quality women and it's time to rethink about your relationship.  Not resolving any issue and finding an escape route for everything was one of the prime reasons why I eventually decided to walk-out from the house and marriage. 

Anyway, How would a High-quality women would respond to ,"Ok, I accept your apology but this needs a deeper conversation". She would say , I completely understand as why this issue has not resolved yet. I happy to sit and discuss this with you as long as you think it's necessary and completely satisfied .  

Now this is a brilliant response. You both agree that whatever happened should not have happened . But how do you proceed further. 

STEP 1.

This is now the beginning of the real talk. Sit down like adults and ask her to honestly explain her action. What made her lie in the first place or her actions. Why she thought it is necessary to hide something from you .  What benefit she thought she will get or as a couple you together will. 

She might have some fears or some self-made projections of your reaction which can be completely false. Once she is done , tell her that why you felt the pain and why dishonesty is so harmful in the long-run in detail. Her fears which you feel are only something she is projecting explain in absolute detail as why it is completely unacceptable and false image of you.  You need to make sure you are in absolute sync and on the same page.

You both cannot have different thoughts of interpersonal ethics and morality as how to be in a relationship. This will come back to haunt you in the future and continue to give you difficulties till you are together. Therefore, take as much time as you need to explain it to her as why her behaviour was unacceptable. It's very important that you both not only agree that whatever happened was wrong but also agree to the same resolution and have similar thought process. 

STEP 2. 

This is where you try to understand  as what exactly motivated her to act the way she did. There is no point doing step 1 and making a law with a thought it will never happen again. You are the man of the house, leader, many more things but you are not a tyrant.  Never lead anyone with fear. This will only make her go quiet and not solve anything. If you behave in such a way , she will not share things. Go quieter and it's only matter of time when history repeats itself. Problem is High-quality women are not made in a factory . If she's a good girl and has ethics then she can be worth investing in . Talk to her . Help her grow through her dark-side . There is very high  possibility she has some flaws like everyone else but has low self-esteem on them. The only way to resolve these are by communicating and getting through them. 

STEP 3

Get to the root cause. Bottom of it . What made her act this way . Was she jealous ? Was she depressed? Was she feeling insecure ? . Find her why she is acting this way and help her get through it . 

Also remember , I am not saying as a man , it is our responsibility . It is in fact her responsibility to talk when asked what is wrong ? . Instead of giving a vague manipulating,gaslighting , low-self esteem response of "I AM FINE" , she needs to open up and talk . But what I am trying to tell you here is the fact that if we start , it can help our relationship . It is in your best interest that you will be staying with a person who is adjusting and compassionate towards you.  By helping her fix herself you are actually helping yourself and your relationship. If she can fix her underlying issues , insecurities , etc which led to the bad behaviour which caused you issues ; you will be a much happier man and your life becomes much much better. 

But obviously some women will just fail to grow like mine did. Then it is upto you to take the call and cut your losses . If a women is not taking responsibility of her behaviour and your fights are not making you stronger, wiser and live a little more for each other then what are you doing in it anyway .  This should be your que in telling yourself ,"this ain't working . I cannot invest more in this and I need to walk-away". Just go out and find a good high-quality women . Plenty out there . It's always good to be single than being in a toxic relationship . 

If woman is fundamentally good and you follow these 3 steps there is very high chance you both will have very less conflicts and a very happy life . 

The 3 STEPS ARE : 

1) DO NOT SETTLE THE ISSUE JUST BECAUSE SHE APOLOGIZED

2) MAKE SURE YOU ARE ON THE SAME PAGE AS WHY HER BEHAVIOUR WAS                      UNACCEPTABLE

3) HELP & GET HER THROUGH TO THE INSECURITIES OF WHAT LED HER TO TAKE THIS ACTION IN THE FIRST PLACE . 

*This knowledge and enlightenment has come from the great AlexanderG.