Letter to my Future Partner

 

I remember all of it like yesterday. I was introduced to a girl by my friend. A girl she met at a wedding function. She told her about me and me about her and gave us the phone numbers. Our first phone call lasted for 1hr 28mins. The texts kept happening and a day later which was a Friday, we decided to meet. I reached on time as punctuality is actually one of my good things. I parked my car and called her to know where she is. To my surprise, she was standing right parallel to me. A slim,fit girl wearing a yellow Top with specs. Oh Man! she looked pretty. 

We walked towards each other and shook hands. Said Hi and started walking. She said, she is not that hungry but god knows how I was. But to keep it light, I took her to this so-called healthy cafe. Interesting place where everything on the menu had calorie count written next to it. And that is how it all started. Now, who would have thought that this romantic story would become an absolute nightmare for me? Refusing to see red flags or to be honest I don't even know why I did what I did. Why I  kept ignoring. Maybe I was in deep love. I think I actually was and this is probably what actually got used against me by her later on.  

It started off beautifully but ended with a RELIEF. The pain was just in the middle. I can not tell you or will ever be able to put in words as how much pain, shock and trauma it gave me . The day I walked out of that house for the last time, she actually smiled and said bye at the door. I walked away like it did not matter but I know that is the day when I actually broke down. Thanks to my doctor in US who actually answered my call in the odd hours of her morning and calmed me down. She made me park my car on the side,shut the engine off and asked me to clear my anger. I screamed,I cried but eventually I stopped. She helped me back to normal and I finally managed to reach my uncle's home. But this article is not about what happened that day. 

Today, this letter is to my future partner. 

Dear Future Partner,

I am sure you are one happy soul. Living a great healthy life and not having the same experience of relationship like mine. Days, weeks, and even months after leaving an abusive relationship, I said to myself—never again.Never again would I trust. Never again would I believe. Never again would I hope. Never again would I love.

The monster who terrorized my heart became every women in existence on the planet.The man I was before—the man who believed there was someone good, honest, and worthy—was destroyed in the battle against good and evil that existed between an empath and a narcissist. I literally broke in half. My heart broke in more pieces than I could count.As time went on, pieces of old me began to resurface. They were shattered underneath the boot of the narcissist I fell in love with, but they had still survived somehow. 

I somehow collected them all and put them together with the glue of time and tape of self-healing.A little bit at a time, the light of my future grew brighter and brighter until I felt ready to stop seeing the female species as demonic creatures sent from hell to destroy all men. As I started to think about new relationship ,I realized that while he was there, the new version of me.The traumatized version of my previous self was there as well. Sometimes the traumatized version of myself spoke louder, much to my dismay.

I am still a little scared of this old version. Not because I can never walk away from him. But because what he say's. He has the potential to ruin all my future relationships, but behind his voice, there was another lesson to be learned.There are layers of truth and healing behind his words , despite the pain he caused to be heard. He wants the woman I would grow to love unconditionally to know that while I might be a worthy partner, there is a purpose behind everything I might do to push her away. I might have pushed some good women too in the recent past. 

But I like my new version. This version is wiser, smarter,much cooler and has stories to tell. This version has risen up from the dead but has victory scars . If a dagger through the heart could not kill him than what can . This is the new me.To all of the women and men who love someone who have been traumatized by narcissistic abuse  we hope you understand a few things about us. We are a special people. Don't mock us .

You might end up doing something which might trigger our trauma.  It’s not anyone’s fault, but it happens. While it feels like it’s out of the blue, it’s not. This thing that has triggered me is buried deep beneath the surface, waiting for the right moment to appear. If you trigger it , I might act differently. Please know that it is not because of you, but because of something that’s happened in the past. Try to see these triggers as opportunities for communication and growth. Come and talk. Use this as an opportunity to come more closer. Try and understand the pain and we can work together to heal it. 

While I don’t still love my abuser, she still affect me in many ways I haven’t begun to understand. If something you do or say reminds me of my narcissist  partner from our past, I have one brief moment of seeing her face in place of yours. It’s not because I miss her, but because that action or those words had such a profound negative effect on me, that it has left scars I may not see or feel. Please, talk to me then. Do not bring your ego in it. Please try to understand that I know you are not the one who abused me. I know that you are good, trustworthy, and kind, but the trauma I’ve experienced thinks it’s trying to protect us by acting out through my insecurities. The best thing you can do is be patient and keep the lines of communication open. I will give 110% to you and to our relationship. 

I might need reassurance from time to time. I know it's not cool but what to do. I survived months—2.5 years—swimming in a pool of emotional and mental abuse because of my strength, but even the strongest of men have weak moments.Even though I am confident in your love for me, I might need to be reminded from time to time how important I am to you.I don’t need these reminders because you’re not doing a great job loving me, but because I am so used to another type of love, that needing reassurance has become a habit.

I might tell you that I love you a little more than normal. I might ask you if you promise to do something or promise that you feel a certain way. I also might need you to kiss me, hug me, or hold me a little longer. I apologize if this is asking too much of you, but I need this because I love you and want you in my life so badly. Not because I merely need someone, but because I need you. The damage a narcissist done to me is deep and  pretty powerful. There can be memories around every corner that force me to travel in time mentally.Being a Gemini man,I travel in time very quickly.These events and conversations from my abusive relationship can feel as vivid as if it were happening right then. There is no rhyme or reason to it.

Some days I can pass by a spot or hear something that doesn’t trigger the memories at all, but other days these things can turn the light out and force me to live in the dark. Sometimes it’s just enough that you listen to my memories or sit and hold my hand until the feeling passes.I promise you that If you can allow these moments to breathe through the past, they will get lighter over time. I am trying each day,second and minute. At the beginning of our relationship with you, I may need to ask questions or be reassured without feeling like you think I am accusing you of lying ,cheating on me. I don’t think you are, but now I am so programmed to expect my partner to lie,hide & cheat on me every time we are apart that it becomes impossible to escape these insecurities.

Please, come and talk to me when and if this happens. Communication in these situations will be extremely important to our relationship and me to erase the fear that there might be someone more cute,handsome, more intelligent, or more worthy than me.I know these fears are not your fault and they certainly aren’t your responsibility to tiptoe around, but I want you to know that they do exist. I trust you fully and completely; I don’t trust my past. But just come and talk. Do not go in your shell and give me silent treatment. I know I have some flaws but I am working on them. With your help and support , I will heal faster. 

I don't want you to fix me. It's not your responsibility but all I have written is my reality and I live with it everyday.If you fall in love with me, please understand that our quirks, insecurities, and failings exist purely inside of me and have nothing to do with you. I am in the recovery mode. You are a normal human being.There is no amount of words in the English language to explain my gratefulness for your love and patience; I thank you for giving me the gift of honesty, kindness, love, and stability. I promise I will support and love you with the best of my ability and fight the world for you.

The fact that you are here for me and decided to share my healing journey is enough. What you are doing for me is heroic. I will reciprocate it with the best of my ability. 

Hope to meet you soon . 

Future Partner.