When you find out - Betrayed
Betrayal is probably the most devastating loss a person can experience. To be betrayed, the person must first experience trust in the betrayer. It is fairly impossible for you to be betrayed if you did not trust the individual in the first place. Therefore, the definition of betrayal involves the act of someone violating your trust in them. The betrayal I am discussing in this article refers to a spouse being betrayed when their partner just cheats. Betrayal is when someone you trust lies to you, cheats on you, abuses you, or hurts you by putting their own self-interest first. In my case, the entire selfishness of her for using me to satisfy her own ego to move on from her past was just a shocker.
The reason that betrayal is the most devastating kind of loss is that most often it is a loss that didn't have to occur. It only occurs because of someone's deliberately hurtful behaviour, carelessness, or their own personal weakness. Unlike a loss such as death or illness, there is usually some sort of choice involved. The person who was betrayed believes that the choice was wrong and preventable.
Even more confusing, however, is that sometimes a loss can be the loss of an illusion. Frequently, we develop in our minds the way we think things "should" be. However, reality doesn't always correspond with the demands that we put on life, ourselves, and others. Therefore, sometimes we are hurt when we have to face this reality.
Take my example; a man marries a woman and thinks of her as a virtuous, moral person. Later he finds out that she is still stuck in the love affair prior to their relationship. He has lost his concept of how he thought of his wife. He feels betrayed even though she didn't do anything to break her commitment to him; his sense of betrayal is the loss of the illusion of how he thought of his wife.
However, even if the betrayal is the loss of the illusion, the grief is very real and needs to be dealt with. Sometimes this is hard to do because the person is told and believes that they shouldn't feel so strongly about something that was not an actual betrayal of them. So with this type of loss, a person is often tempted to move on too quickly without resolving it.
So, given that betrayal is a loss, it is necessary to understand the process of grief in order to deal with having been betrayed. Most often, when people have been betrayed, they have overwhelming emotions which are so intense that they are unable to make any sense of them. Therefore, if you have been betrayed, you need to understand what these emotions are and why you are experiencing them before you can really take any action.
The theory of grief is that it involves several stages: shock/denial, bargaining, anger, sadness, and acceptance. Frequently these stages may overlap, or one may be experienced more intensely than another, or one might be so short-lived that it didn't seem that it was part of the experience. However, the most important part of this theory is that it is not possible to reach the final stage of acceptance without having moved through the prior stages. Sometimes people will get stuck in one of the early stages which prevents them from moving on. It is even conceivable for someone to be stuck in one of these stages for years. It took me 10 months with the help of a therapist to accept it. The time when you are told that you are being betrayed by whom you get up seeing every day is an unbelievable feeling. The real meaning of the word broken man, made its way into my head that day.
Anyone who has experienced betrayal in a relationship knows how difficult it is to recover from such an experience. The person you thought you could trust and count on is no longer the person you believed them to be. So you wonder what happened. Were you just wrong about them all along or did something change? Maybe your relationship changed and so did their loyalty to you. Maybe something in either or both of your lives has changed and they became insensitive to you.
Betrayal is a destructive force that leaves many ruins in its path. Betrayal changes everything. Relationships and all those affected will never be the same again. The damage done can be irreparable. Trust is lost. Wounds run deep. Anger persists. Hearts are broken. Self-protective walls are erected. Pain is long and lasting. And we wonder…. Can trust ever be restored? Do wounds ever heal? Will anger cease to exist? Can hearts be repaired? Will the self-protective walls ever come down? Does the pain ever go away?
Not only does betrayal change relationships, but it also changes individuals. Something happens inside of them. They might find it difficult to ever trust again. They might be more guarded and protective of themselves for fear of being vulnerable again. They might learn to be more discerning and less naïve. Their expectations of others may change. They may reflect on their own role and responsibility in the relationship and what went wrong. They might try to understand, empathize, and forgive. They may be motivated to grow from the experience and learn more about themselves and others.
The pain of betrayal is very real and has a significant impact on the lives of all those who have experienced it. It is one of those painful life experiences that have the power to change people’s hearts and lives forever. If you have ever been betrayed, you cannot change what has happened to you or make the pain go away. You need time to grieve and feel angry. You need time to be comforted and encouraged. You also need time to restore your faith in yourself and others. Betrayal hurts and there is no fast and easy way to heal from its affects. It takes more than time. It takes a heart that will not harden. It takes a commitment to believe in others again. Relationships do change as a result of betrayal; but ultimately, how it changes you is what matters most.
But the real reason for typing this from Mumbai Airport Lounge is; that I am ready to fall again. Ready to love again. Ready to write poems again.
Ready to get hurt...again. Hopefully, history won't repeat.
The reason that betrayal is the most devastating kind of loss is that most often it is a loss that didn't have to occur. It only occurs because of someone's deliberately hurtful behaviour, carelessness, or their own personal weakness. Unlike a loss such as death or illness, there is usually some sort of choice involved. The person who was betrayed believes that the choice was wrong and preventable.
Even more confusing, however, is that sometimes a loss can be the loss of an illusion. Frequently, we develop in our minds the way we think things "should" be. However, reality doesn't always correspond with the demands that we put on life, ourselves, and others. Therefore, sometimes we are hurt when we have to face this reality.
Take my example; a man marries a woman and thinks of her as a virtuous, moral person. Later he finds out that she is still stuck in the love affair prior to their relationship. He has lost his concept of how he thought of his wife. He feels betrayed even though she didn't do anything to break her commitment to him; his sense of betrayal is the loss of the illusion of how he thought of his wife.
However, even if the betrayal is the loss of the illusion, the grief is very real and needs to be dealt with. Sometimes this is hard to do because the person is told and believes that they shouldn't feel so strongly about something that was not an actual betrayal of them. So with this type of loss, a person is often tempted to move on too quickly without resolving it.
So, given that betrayal is a loss, it is necessary to understand the process of grief in order to deal with having been betrayed. Most often, when people have been betrayed, they have overwhelming emotions which are so intense that they are unable to make any sense of them. Therefore, if you have been betrayed, you need to understand what these emotions are and why you are experiencing them before you can really take any action.
The theory of grief is that it involves several stages: shock/denial, bargaining, anger, sadness, and acceptance. Frequently these stages may overlap, or one may be experienced more intensely than another, or one might be so short-lived that it didn't seem that it was part of the experience. However, the most important part of this theory is that it is not possible to reach the final stage of acceptance without having moved through the prior stages. Sometimes people will get stuck in one of the early stages which prevents them from moving on. It is even conceivable for someone to be stuck in one of these stages for years. It took me 10 months with the help of a therapist to accept it. The time when you are told that you are being betrayed by whom you get up seeing every day is an unbelievable feeling. The real meaning of the word broken man, made its way into my head that day.
Anyone who has experienced betrayal in a relationship knows how difficult it is to recover from such an experience. The person you thought you could trust and count on is no longer the person you believed them to be. So you wonder what happened. Were you just wrong about them all along or did something change? Maybe your relationship changed and so did their loyalty to you. Maybe something in either or both of your lives has changed and they became insensitive to you.
Betrayal is a destructive force that leaves many ruins in its path. Betrayal changes everything. Relationships and all those affected will never be the same again. The damage done can be irreparable. Trust is lost. Wounds run deep. Anger persists. Hearts are broken. Self-protective walls are erected. Pain is long and lasting. And we wonder…. Can trust ever be restored? Do wounds ever heal? Will anger cease to exist? Can hearts be repaired? Will the self-protective walls ever come down? Does the pain ever go away?
Not only does betrayal change relationships, but it also changes individuals. Something happens inside of them. They might find it difficult to ever trust again. They might be more guarded and protective of themselves for fear of being vulnerable again. They might learn to be more discerning and less naïve. Their expectations of others may change. They may reflect on their own role and responsibility in the relationship and what went wrong. They might try to understand, empathize, and forgive. They may be motivated to grow from the experience and learn more about themselves and others.
The pain of betrayal is very real and has a significant impact on the lives of all those who have experienced it. It is one of those painful life experiences that have the power to change people’s hearts and lives forever. If you have ever been betrayed, you cannot change what has happened to you or make the pain go away. You need time to grieve and feel angry. You need time to be comforted and encouraged. You also need time to restore your faith in yourself and others. Betrayal hurts and there is no fast and easy way to heal from its affects. It takes more than time. It takes a heart that will not harden. It takes a commitment to believe in others again. Relationships do change as a result of betrayal; but ultimately, how it changes you is what matters most.
But the real reason for typing this from Mumbai Airport Lounge is; that I am ready to fall again. Ready to love again. Ready to write poems again.
Ready to get hurt...again. Hopefully, history won't repeat.
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