Why I end up attracting Toxic People

 Let me start with a little message here. Guys, I love the messages and emails you write to me for articles and your opinions and well wishes. But at the same time please do remember, I am not a writer. I write when I feel like it. I am not doing this to make money or for fame. I have a full-time job which I really love. And the real reason why I am not able to devote time to this blog and give you articles at the pace many of you desire. But Thank-You for the love. 

Let's start now. 

I have had my share of the Romantic relationships in life. When I actually did make the list of all while sitting in the airport lounge recently, I was shocked.  The entire analysis changed my perspective and I remembered what my therapist had told me. The problem is not that relationships did not work out because all of them had something missing. Nobody is perfect and I too did few things and lack few traits. But the real reason was that most of the exes were just toxic people. 

Now, the question is right from the start to the very recent one, why I am attracting toxic people. I know I am a kind, nice, good friend sort of an individual who will never harm anyone. What the F is going on. My doctor called me a chick magnet. Well, it sounds nice but she does not mean it for all the good reasons. One of the most common ways we attract narcissistic partners is by falling for the quick attraction or love bombing. Even though I have matured a lot after getting D-tag but still the quickness is still getting me. By the time I fall into this façade, it’s usually too late to easily back out. It takes loads of work to dig our way out of this place, and while I am doing so, I am being love-bombed again, which makes it harder. But let’s back up.

So, these days I just stand my ground and test the individual in the first few weeks. These tests are actually well taught to me. And the Prof. are my Doctor, exes and overall understanding of how the partnership should be. The experience I have now is actually very good and I am happy, these articles are actually helping many understand things which are not discussed in our society. I can say that I am someone who has empathy. I can say I am someone who is extremely attuned. I will not leave your side no matter what, I will be deeply present with you and do my best to resolve the crisis. I know my emotional state and will be open to sharing it with you. But at the same time responsive to yours. 

This trait of mine also has a dark side. If I am in love with you or if you are important to me, I have this uncanny ability to get lost in the vortex of your emotional world. My inability to help you through your problems will make me go through psychological distress as I will feel your pain. This all happens because I have not been able to set boundaries and unwillingness to walk away or stay away. Now women, as the smartest species, learn this about me very quickly. And believe it or not, always try to manipulate to the best of their ability. Toxic individuals like my ex-wife kept testing the waters and my inability to set up a boundary was just ripped apart. Now, I have done this in many relationships and empathy is a great trait in healthy relationships. But when you are with a toxic individual, your ability to give give and give with their ability to just take take take without reciprocating can be very risky for you. Especially if you are someone like me. 

Empathy is one of the best traits one can have and as my doctor did mention, it's the stuff of every healthy relationship. But it's not just about being aware of others but also the ability to be aware of yourself. So why I am attracting these toxic chicks all the time. It's simply because if I am in a relationship with you, I do care. And my stupid quality of just giving giving giving attracts who just take take take. The short answer is actually, I just let them get away with their BS. Never call upon them and just be the sweet, cute guy I am and let them get away with it. Now, since my therapy and new learnings I have become intelligent, I think I can say that. When I do take an action and actually call their BS, they just vanish. Due to my caring and not being cynical enough character to see the red flags before, I have suffered. I used to keep seeing them from the lens of compassion. 

For me, a healthy relationship is about giving, feeling and being present with the other person in any situation or circumstance. And I still believe it is in most healthy cases. But when you end up finding a toxic individual, all this becomes a nightmare. The saddest situation in the modern world is that most people like me are taken advantage of. This is not limited to the narcissists but also to the other regular people. The world we see today is becoming uncivil, polarized, competitive and entitled. It is very easy for people to devalue empathy and devalue empathic people. I have been guilty to give myself reasons from their background in-regards to their behaviour and let them get away. 

And not just get away but try to help them by trying to heal them from the wound they have. The absolute BS thought I had from movies, books, etc that love and compassion will even make a stone melt. I just could not understand why people will not heal if I care and love them. The idea of letting someone go just because of this was not acceptable to me. And once such toxic people realize that they can get away with such an attitude they will test the waters to their deepest depth. They will act as an absolute spoiled toddler. And for the person I was, I would just keep giving them chance after chance. This happens because in my book every one deserves a chance and everyone deserves to be loved. The red flags which earlier I used to ignore or not see are actually pretty visible to me now and that also within the first 2,3 weeks. I have stopped being a healer. I will not help you fix your compass. I will be emotionally available when I think is the right time. Rather than forcing myself to fix them. 

If I do not stop it and be available all the time, toxic people will just make excuses after excuses. The first time I was told I have a great empathic heart which is being used, I could not understand. I just could not accept the fact that no matter what I will do. my partner will not change her behaviour. In fact, she will become angrier if I did romantic things. The biggest trigger I had was the way she treated my 8-year-old niece who made her a card on her birthday. This entire incident opened my eyes as she is someone I have treated like my own child. I got really confused and stressed the day my niece from Australia called me. An 8-year-old child steals her mom's iPad and makes a WhatsApp call to her uncle in India. To tell me that, she is really sorry for the bad drawing on the birthday card she sent her. And the reason she feels it is because her aunt never wrote anything back to her in the past 2 days. On asking her, the response literally opened my eyes. The hurt and pain she gave to someone whom I care for so much could not be ignored.

I can give myself excuses to stay in this relationship. But when someone as vulnerable as a child was getting hurt, I just could not accept it. I am actually thankful to my niece to call and tell me that she actually did make a card and this happened. I on the other hand always had this feeling of guilt. This was not letting me break my shackles from this mental abusive relationship. I kept feeling guilty of not trying hard enough, loving her enough, understanding her enough, and listening to her enough through her silent treatment. I at times felt that she must have solid reasons for doing this and it's my duty to be with her and just take all this bad behaviour as it's just a phase. This was psychologically, physically, and emotionally draining me every single second of the day but it had no effect on her. I had no knowledge of such people's existence and many in my family and friend circle still don't. And this lack of knowledge plus empathy is the perfect magnet for such individuals. 

I believe that everyone deserves love. Second chances. But no one actually deserves to be manipulated, or have any sort of abuse and traumatized in any regard to make a relationship work. I had reached the level of absolute exhaustion. Until the day I gained the knowledge on this subject I was not ready to accept as this was really happening. This mental exhaustion is far far away from a healthy relationship. I thought I am a mentally strong person and have the endurance to get through this to make it work. The ability of these individuals to shake the sheer foundations of your life, and family is far beyond your imagination. Many people like me get and stay in these relationships is actually due to a lack of knowledge. 

 So, now I still do attract them but I have learned to cut my losses short and move quickly away. But I am sure many are just stuck for lifetimes in these relationships. I just now approach everyone with caution. 

Few things I have and Working on : 

1) I am guilty of ignoring my own problems and become the best healer you can have. I try and keep people happy even at the expense of my own happiness. 

2) Always take responsibility and apologize if done wrong. They know that to save the relationship,I will come and ask to make peace. Even if I done little to no wrong. Making me perfect target for toxic people. I am always there.

3) They know I cannot have problems for long in my life . I cannot stay in suffering. So even if they are guilty they create situations with ego in play.Knowing I will come for a peace resolution and they can GET AWAY. I value my relationship more than they do.

4) I will make your problem as my problem and will do everything to make it go away. 

5) I attract broken , mental cases. They can sense I am a healer. I will try and help you if you break our rule by simply thinking you had a good reason for it.

6) I can cry watching a movie scene and just people in severe pain. I am trying to work on it but if you are a toxic girl,you can and will use it to make me break by sheer acting. But now, I might catch you.  

7) I take people on face value and think world is full of people like me. I hardly scrutinize people and think everyone comes for good. I feel I can solve and fix everything. I end up breaking my own head for their problems. 

8) I feel I can talk , hear and solve everything. I have been guilty of believing I am responsible for your happiness. Resulting in added pressure for your smile and going into mental chaos. 

Okay, so it’s not going to be easy, but there are ways to dodge toxic relationships. First of all, know who you are. Learn how to be kind and strong at the same time.

Do not let your past guide your future. See the present as unrelated to the past, if possible. Give but make sure you give just as much to yourself when in need. And if you are suffering from insecurities, by all means, stay away from relationships until you’ve gotten better at loving yourself. Relationships aren’t all bad, but unfortunately, it’s easy to get into toxic unions and not even know it until months later. So, be cautious, look for red flags, and feel free to refer back 

Be Blessed and be careful. Plus, if you are a healthy and single female. Hit me up.