When you should leave your NARC. partner

Being in a relationship with a narcissist is difficult. So, if you feel like you’re at the end of your rope and you just can’t do it anymore, you’re not alone. When you just can’t make it work anymore or don’t want to keep trying, it’s time to learn how to leave a narcissist.

The common symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) make maintaining a healthy relationship difficult unless the person is very aware of their behaviour and ability to control it. Unfortunately, this is often not the case for people. And while you may have tried your hardest to make it work, you may find that it is draining on your mental and emotional well-being.

If you’re in a relationship with someone with NPD, you have likely been a recipient of their narcissistic abuse, and you might be wondering how to deal with a narcissistic partner. As you consider your options and determine that you are ready to leave your marriage, you may have the same concern as I had. Which was, that the judge or the mediator like so many others may be swayed by your spouse's ability to fool people with their charm and powers of persuasion. After all, this individual not only duped me but my entire family!

So before you do this; prepare, self-educate and plan moves of your own, you can reveal your spouse's controlling and combative tendencies without damaging your own credibility. In essence, you can help them reveal themselves as who they truly are. But also remember, this is opening pandora's box. They will, like my ex-wife retaliate with full vengeance. Her anger went through the roof as I actually did hurt her pious image by this revelation to my family, her family and even to a few of her friends.

When we fall in love, it’s natural to become attached and form a romantic bond. But once in love with a narcissist, it’s not easy to leave, despite the abuse. Although you're unhappy, you may be ambivalent about leaving because you still love your partner, have young children, lack resources, and/or enjoy lifestyle benefits. Friends may question why you stay or urge you to, “Just leave.” Those words can feel humiliating because you also think you should. You may want to leave, but feel stuck, and don’t understand why. This is because there are deeper reasons that keep you bonded unlike in other relationships.

 I had invested so much emotionally that I was just not able to accept it. The woman you love doing such things with you was just unheard of unseen by me. I was more in shock than anything else. Narcissists can be exceedingly charming, interesting, and enlivening to be around. Initially, they and other abusers may treat you with kindness and warmth, or even love bomb you. Of course, you want to be with them forever and easily become dependent on their attention and validation. Once you’re hooked and they feel secure, they aren’t motivated to be nice to you. Their charming traits fade or disappear and are replaced or intermixed with varying degrees of coldness, criticism, demands, and narcissistic abuse. 

I wanted her to be happy and have everything she wanted. She would give me a little of these bread crumbs and I would get manipulated into giving what she needed. And If I ever wanted to confront her or even if you try to discuss their exploitive, abusive behaviour they will erupt, yell, accuse, show rage and just withdraw or walk away. Narcissists will never and cannot acknowledge they have hurt you because they lack empathy, and have no ability to examine themselves; their fragile ego would crumble. Instead, they interpret your confrontation and hurt feelings as unfounded insults: you have wounded their psyche by daring to challenge their fears and personal inadequacies. Their personal shame is the rage that you see. I remember my ex-wife saying, "this will have consequences". 

It’s important to note that leaving a narcissist is not like leaving another person. They can be very good at twisting words, using guilt, and other strategies that end up convincing you to stay in the relationship. Sometimes you may even end up feeling like the problems in your relationship are your fault. These feelings are most likely happening because you’ve been a victim of narcissistic abuse. But if taking the blame from society, helps you leave this relationship; do it. 

Narcissists will manufacture traumatic situations (like those long-weekend fights) to bring the two of you closer together (at least, in your mind). There’s a good chance you’ve told the narcissist deeply personal things you’ve never told anyone else – that’s exactly what they want. Not only does it pull you closer together in the worst way, but the narcissist can use these personal secrets against you later. My ex used every single secret to hurt me in the worst possible manner. I had never imagined anyone using such ways to so deeply hurt someone. 

As this cycle continues, you probably find yourself longing for the fleeting moment the narcissist offers you a glimmer of hope: you are sitting watching tv and in she comes from the room and hugs you with her legs across your waist, a random kiss, sits to watch the movie you wanted to watch. 

Those brief moments of affection and serenity are what keep you hanging on. My problem was I misinterpreted all this as longing for love. Longing is a powerful emotion that seems to emanate directly from the heart and reach out for something that it can’t connect with, and each time that it cannot connect with what it is searching for, the pain becomes more intense. The truth is, when the narcissist does finally reciprocate short-lived appreciation, it’s completely contrived. It’s important to note that the narcissist isn’t feeling the same warm fuzzies that you are. Longing for the narcissist to appreciate your talents and offer gratitude or even basic respect is just another magic trick to keep you at bay.

To the narcissist, emotions are simply trappings to manipulate you and exploit your vulnerabilities. It was my own fault as well. As I had forgotten my own goals, and reasons to live and made her my north star. But when I met my therapist she told me that, I had just fallen for the wrong person. The narcissist took every opportunity to shoot down your dreams, discredit your opinions, and leave you questioning everything you thought you knew about yourself.

That’s all part of the narcissist’s game to weave themselves into your identity – they are like a celestial black hole and once you get sucked in, you disappear without a trace. Because of this one-sided expenditure of energy and love, the narcissist becomes your sense of self. Instead of worrying about your next career move, what’s best for your family, or how you should spend your day off, your only worry is the narcissist and nothing else. Every thought you have is about their thoughts and feelings – never your own. I remember, she told me once that she does not want to sit at home on the weekend. So just to win her over, I would spend hours going through newspapers, and entertainment apps as to where to take her. There was never once she appreciated or even helped. It was like either I do this or face the music of being boring, couch potato, etc, etc.  There was no partnership !!!. 

Today, I know for a fact that she came into my life to take anything worth taking. And then destroy what little was left of it.  I accepted what was going on with me was not normal. I Educated myself, made a plan, took professional help and moved out. Today, I am happy, mentally stable and probably zillion times happier than I ever was. I have enough attention from the opposite sex and am on the lookout for a healthy individual. But I am in no rush. 

And if you are a man reading this, please remember it's alright. I know our society does not permit a man to cry but trust me, it's easier for your best friend to lend his shoulder to cry than to carry you to your funeral. Fight it, battle to live. It's your right and nobody can take this from you. 

Ask yourself these two questions : 

# Do you worry that the narcissist will get mad that you left the house to go to your friends?
# Do you find yourself thinking “what would X say” when you’re presented with a decision or question before creating your own opinion?

If this sounds familiar, it means you’ve lost your own sense of self to build up the narcissist’s false self. 

RUN. RUN. RUN .