How to be consistent in Relationships

 

The relationship-building exercise is a pretty tedious exercise and yes I am pretty well aware of the same. But this entire exercise consists of one thing which at times, I have also realised that I have stopped being. The word is Consistent. 

During my trauma relationship, I kind of changed as a person. The pressure was so immense to do things right that in the process of doing something new to make her happy, I forgot the basics. Being consistent. It's not that I am blaming this on her. But the level of chaos was so much in my head that I actually went down the drain. She, if she had been a better human would have seen and helped me. Unfortunately, that was not the case. So, I started becoming more and more and more with each passing day. 

I would say things and forget. I would commit to things and then flake out. I stopped being initiative and started to forget or should I say never wanted to remember any birthdays. I felt I am over-busy and overwhelmed all the time. And out of all the things I had to do, being consistent became the hardest thing to do. The blame I do put on her is that she saw me deteriorate and she let it happen. Intentionally even did things mentally to screw me over. 

So, how to be consistent when you know you are not or should I say you hate being one. This is the most important bit. I have written down a few of my pointers which I have started recently and they have actually started paying off. I wish someone taught me these earlier than me learning of my own after a Level 5 life-storm :

1) Make your decisions based on the valued outcome, rather than current feelings. : Feeling really matters and your intuition is very important. But sometimes you feel bad, sad and you decide to pull away, get scared, etc. This is pretty much the phenomenon of what you want to feel at that particular moment. But the most important thing that most of us forget is that we want our feelings to be connected. Therefore how you are feeling has to be realised in comparison to how you want to feel. 

So, if you want to feel connected to this person you have to go ahead and communicate. Not pull away and act like my ex who gave the silent treatment. If you want to feel loved and connected to your partner you have to initiate, reach out, and talk. This will make you how you want to feel than just your default mode of how you feel and back away. Does that make sense !!

Now, most of you would think otherwise and value your natural instinct more. This is the time when you should think about how you want to be treated when on the other side. When you have no energy left and you decide to let go, this is when you ask yourself the important question. How much do I value this relationship?.  If that does not get you going then nothing will. You have to go fast fear, and lethargy and grab the outcome. I know you have this worrying in your head or fear but pick up that phone or take a walk and TALK !!.

2) Prioritize a few People: This pretty much sums it up in itself. To still break it down for some this basically means that make a list of let's say 4 or 5 people. Now, these 4 or 5 are your most important ones. Instead of pressuring yourself to keep in touch with many people at the same time, simply start with 4 or 5. The best is to make a sticky note and put it up on your desk. It will remind you exactly whom to call. It's not like you have to call and talk your heart out every single time. 5mins are good enough. A simple candid conversation which is more like asking, Hey wassup !!!. 

Now, these 4 or 5 people are the ones for which you will boost yourself. No matter how drained of energy these are the ones I have to do it for and show up for. This attitude change will make it happen for you. Convincing yourself to stay in touch with them every week is the best start. This exercise will let you make a goal for a few instead of the entire city you want to stay in touch with. These are the people I have to stay consistently in touch with. And if I have reached out to them and still have energy left then I will reach out to more. This is with most of us. We all should zero down a few people whom we really have to go deeper with. Do it for 6 months and it will be a life-changing manoeuvre. 

3) Making a Routine: This is like increasing your brain activity and making it into a default mode. Let's say your commute takes 20mins each day on one side. Now in these 20mins, you make a routine of calling at least 2 people. Just make a routine out of calling this friend every Monday during lunchtime. I will call my cousin or family member every Sunday morning. 

It's like locking something up in your calendar where it becomes part of your routine and you follow it consistently. Instead of convincing yourself to do a task when you feel you are drained of energy is to make it a routine. Should I make a call ?. Whom should I call ? . He/She must be busy ? . All these questions will be just dead if you are religiously following this. I remember setting this up in my calendar that every day around lunch between 1-2am, I will call my wife. I did it pretty regularly even though she made it difficult each day but I did try and do it consistently. Going against my own mind, I still followed it. Most of the time it was just a 1minute conversation. But from not doing it at all to doing it make me feel good. I am changing into a better person. 

The logistics part of where why etc all just goes away when you put it up like a standard activity. The happy days were fewer but it made me improve. It made me happy just doing it rather than reading emails. 

When you do anything consistently it will pay off. Just tell yourself that I will not ask myself to do it or not at that moment. I will plan my things ahead of time and say those are the people I value and continue to do it. I will lock this up for the people I want to prioritize and I am going to do it. I am going to build trust in myself that says, "when I say that matters to me, I am going to prove myself and show my brain that when I say it, I do it". And that is how you build consistency with yourself. 

Our brain is wired to our will and when we continue to fine-tune it for our specific goals, it works towards it. So let's build consistency with ourselves and trust ourselves. Trust ourselves to stand by when we say this is important to me and it matters . This in return builds reliability and trust in our relationships. When we say we going to be there and then we show up we are there. There are always caveats to listening to your intuition, listening to your body and not over-commit. And if you still feel or want to be more connected to people the best way is to become more consistent. Consistent in a way it makes you feel honoured and good to you. 

So do try and I hope it will help you become more consistent and understand. Also how it's so much important in relationships.